Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Jackie - Showing My True Colors

Goal 3:: Define Me

I'm dreading this goal -- writing about it, thinking about it, doing it -- all of it. And still yet, I'm excited about it.

It's two-fold.

On the one hand this goal is for me. For figuring out me. For making me into the me I want me to be. It's kind of like I said in my initial post,  I want to make the external me to be a reflection of the internal me.

Of course, that takes sometime to figure out what I actually care about and want to be about. And prioritizing about which of those things get to stay on the top of my list. I'm working on that -- maybe I'll post on things as they come together, or maybe they'll just be reflected in everything else I'm doing. We'll see...

On the other hand, this goal is for you. [Really? Yes! ... sort of.] It's an opportunity for me to put myself out there... to put my real self out there. Let's go back to my initial post when I explained how I feel a bit like a late bloomer. Well, that included figuring out who I am. I've done quite a bit of soul searching the past few years and I feel like I'm finally figuring out what I'm like and what I like. I still feel like I'm at the tip of the ice berg, but I kind of like this person I'm discovering.

One of the hard parts to figuring out who I am has been becoming that person. It's difficult to suddenly become a different person -- both for me and for everyone else. I feel like very few people actually know me; it's like I keep getting put into boxes and everything inside of me wants to shout, "I don't belong in here!" I feel misunderstood. It's been this way for much of my life. I've been defined by things I don't want to be and don't represent me. The qualities I like about myself don't get seen. And I wish people could know and appreciate who I am.

Typing those words makes me feel like I'm placing the blame on everyone else. But really, I don't think blame is even an issue. I've been working hard to establish who I am and now I need a way to communicate that with those around me. Having a venue to display my real self is one of the reasons I chose to be a part of this blog. I've wanted to share my soul and spill my guts on [proverbial] paper for awhile, so I'm taking the opportunity this year to show you what I'm really made of.

Or maybe all of this is just the process of getting older ... *sigh*

I'm sure everyone's felt misunderstood during different stages of life. Since I'm in the midst of figuring all this out, I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share!


  1. Oh, man, I know what you mean. I feel like every year I live I discover more what I like and who I am--and I'm more comfortable with that every year!
    Maybe I'll get this figured out by the time I'm 50... :)
    But yeah, I love realizing that I'm a totally different person than who I was in high school, or college, or anytime. Yay for being authentic!

  2. Kati!
    Thanks for sharing... it's so weird, right? This, I-feel-like-a-new-person business. And it's complicated that it seems like it keeps happening over and over. I sometimes wonder if it will ever mellow out... maybe by the time we're 50. :)

    What do you think has been the biggest factor for you? Or the thing that's change the most?

    [Or should I call you Katrina since Kati was what we called you during a different phase of life?? :)]

  3. You have done some unique (dying your hair dark) changes and some total life (totally new major) changes that make you inspiring and fun.
    We (I say that in a hopefully everyone, including myself, does this) will try to keep our expectations low and our encouragement high. I'm learning more and more what damage expectations can do to a person. Blossom when you feel ready.

    So proud of you. No words can express.

  4. It's hard! I feel there is a difference between the projection of who we think we are and the reality of who we are, and that "no man's" land in the middle is where, I think most of us actually are. I feel that I get lost in trying to act consistent with the internal self verses acting consistent with who people think I am. It's a maddening cycle of reality, projection and acceptance for who you are.

  5. Dalls, you're the best. I mean that.

    I hadn't even really thought of those changes as being a part of the whole blossoming process.

    Your encouragement means more than you know.

  6. Joe,
    I think you're too smart for me. I had to reread that a couple times just to understand. Haha.

    It's always interesting to get feedback from others on who they think we are... and how often it's completely different from who we think we are.

    It is interesting that you called it a "no man's" land, wouldn't that mean it was neither who you think you are nor who you are projecting? Or is it some weird combination. I don't know... you tell me.

    PS... The version I know of you is pretty ok... most of the time.


Shake the dust off that keyboard and type us something pretty.