You may have noticed (but you probably didn't) that I had a goal of trying to figure out God and my relationship with him. About a week after posting it, I took it off. I just didn't feel ready to share it with the masses. I don't like to talk about my spirituality all that much. I don't like to shout about it, anyway. But last night at church, something started to make sense and I feel like I should share.
We had eaten our meal together, Mike had spoken his Easter words, and the "Scum choir" was on stage singing. I sat in quiet meditation and started thinking about how afraid I've been lately. A lot of things feel like they're coming to a head before I'm ready for them. I've been scared for my job, scared about all the homework I have yet to accomplish, scared of not using my gifts the way I ought to, and scared of some of these goals I've set for myself; namely the goals relating to Haiti.
I've said it several times on here: I'm not a finisher. I don't follow through on things that I start and it seems like a lot of times it's because things just don't go my way. I have big ideas, try to carry them out and somewhere along the line they start to fall apart and I give up. I am terrified that this Haiti idea is going to follow the same pattern. And Haiti means too much to me to have it slip through my fingers.
My gentle meditation started to turn into a silent anxiety attack: I can't go to Haiti alone! What am I going to contribute there? What if they don't want me? What if I don't get this internship, learn nothing about journal therapy and end up being too lazy to try to learn Creole this Summer? I am terrified I'm going to fail at this.
And as the room started to close in on me and I forgot how to breathe, I realized something: Fear is not wrong. And if Jesus was afraid the night before he died, I can be afraid too. Sitting in my chair as the band played on in front me and voices in the crowd rose up around me, I closed my eyes, clasped my hands and silently recognized my fear.
Afterwards, Ben Mercer (our missions guy) stopped me and asked about my plans for Haiti. I told him, hesitantly, a little bit about what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it. He responded by saying that Scum supported me and if I wanted to get a group together that'd be great, and also he'd like to come along too if possible. Ben has volunteered with Art from Ashes and has great experience with art therapy. The fear started to slowly trickle away and I felt like my admission of fear had been answered with support.
I won't attempt to go any deeper into the spiritual stuff. It's too big of a topic to get into- for this year any way. Last night though, it seemed too relevant to ignore.