First things first, I need to get rid of relational toxicity in my life. Of course, the first person to come to mind was David, my most recent ex. We had a good relationship while it lasted, but he broke things off rather unexpectedly a good six months ago, which ultimately left me reeling in self-doubt. I begged him for some closure, a brief meeting where we could discuss things, he denied me... several times. I finally wrote him a letter pouring out my emotions to which I got no response for a month and a half.
Then late one night I received a text message simply saying, "I think you're a great person and we should still be friends." I kept that in my inbox for several days and hesitantly responded. We've hung out a few times since then, but the communication drastically increased after he broke up with, "the girl after me". It has confused my heart every time. We get along so well, but for some reason he didn't choose me.
One of our hang out sessions, he came over to my apartment and we chatted over tea for three hours. He spilled some very personal information, some of it relating to his break up with "her". I listened and tried to be the bigger person, all the midst choking down my pain. He left and for some reason I felt so burdened for him that I sent a text saying I would be there for him as a friend, because seeing him hurt truly hurt me to watch. He thanked me and apologized for off loading all that he did. I said it wasn't easy, but that I am an adult after all. And then it all came pouring out,
"I'm sorry if I ever made you feel even
remotely like I have been feeling."
I started to cry... alone in my room... under the covers.
"I don't understand why I love her or any of the other people I've fallen in love with. I've been wrong every time. I am sorry I hurt you. I hope one day I have the opportunity to be as good to you as you are to me. And I want to be there if you ever need me."
There it was, the closure I had been seeking for the past six months. I felt relieved, a sense of peace came over me. I can't say that realizing we won't work was easy, but at least I know. I'm not holding onto a false sense of hope anymore. I have been able to move on to friendship with David and it's been nothing but freedom and a new gain of self worth. I am beyond what our relationship used to define me as and that is beautiful to me.