Sarah and the Art of Patience

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When I approached Jackie with the idea for this blog I thought it was going to be oh so much fun.  I'd be checking off items and feeling so self-actualized in the process.  I wrote out a list of challenging but important goals that would guide my life, and perfect little plan, into a higher plane of being-- it was going to be awesome.

Well, as it turns out, this shit is hard.  It's constant self-reflection and pushing yourself to accomplish something when there's hours and hours of crappy movies on Netflix yet to be watched; and oh how they beckon.  Oh, and apparently life doesn't always follow that perfect little plan you outlined in your journal three months ago; or at least mine didn't.

Just be patient and don't worry.  This has become my mantra.

I'm currently unemployed which may make going to Haiti in December tricky.  I really wanted to spend the whole month there, but that entirely depends upon my future employers.  The current goal is to find a job that can accommodate an extended trip.  I still feel like this is where I'm supposed to be heading so I'm trying to believe that something *perfect* will pop up.

Also, here's a bit of news: I'm not going back to school in the fall.  It's a very long story and I'm sure some of you are shaking your heads right now.  Well, ye of little faith, first of all you look silly shaking your head at a computer screen.  Second of all, I will be going back to school, but I need to find a school and program that I feel will set me up for a successful future.  CU Denver wasn't doing that for me.  If anyone knows anything about creative writing programs around the country–or simply where you think I should direct my life–your input in the comment section is very much appreciated.

Here's a run down of my goals, where they've been and where I'm going with them:

1.  Weight Loss:  Hahahahaha.  I mean... I lost my gym membership so I'm doing the best I can.  Sort of.  That dress will fit in July though, dammit.

2.  Straight A's: So, since I won't be going back to school in August, this goal is the first to fall by the way-side.  But there had to be at least one  I failed at, right?

3.  Incorporate Artist's Dates:  I'm unemployed, every minute of my day is an artist date.

4.  Finish a writing project: This summer, it's on.  You and me, Emily Dickinson.  Prepare to be bffs.

5.  Get something published: Let's work on finishing something first.

6.  Get out of the city, state, country: I'm going to Gunnison tomorrow for a very exciting reason which I may or may not expand on next week.  Stop shaking your head, seriously, you look dumb.

7.  Read through Austen: So close to being done with Sense and Sensibility.  After that I'm taking a short break to read something more modern and then it'll be back to Pride and Prejudice; Mr. Darcy, it's been too long.

8.  Discover 10 new things about Denver: I went to my FIRST first friday a few weeks ago.  I know, I've grown up in Colorado and lived in Denver for three years and I'm just now going; it's a travesty that I'm glad has been rectified.  Any suggestions on what I should do or see this summer?

9.  Make our Apartment our home: Dad, if you're reading this, we have stuff to hang on the walls.  Please bring your muscles and your tools to help.  Thanks.  Also, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I cursed earlier.

10.  Art from Ashes internship: I emailed the group and received an email back saying I should sit tight and hopefully will have more detail soon... whatever that means.

11.  Learn Creole/French: Seriously, where do I begin to do this?  Rosetta Stone?  Do they teach Creole?

12.  Crafts!: Hopefully there will be some brand new, hand made throw pillows down stairs soon.

So there ya go.  Not a whole lot of headway, but my life has been shifting a lot.  Now that I'm a bit more adjusted I'm excited to really start focusing on these goals this summer.  Thanks for sticking with me!

Jackie - Spring Shakedown

[Lilac photo in honor of the lilac bushes in our yard that are covered in slushy snow. 

I tried to shake it off, but couldn't reach all the branches.]

The last few weeks [and including the next few days] have been completely filled with trying to end my semester well. All of this work [coupled with my knack for procrastination] make me question [again] the difference between being busy and being productive. I hope I can think about that more over the summer and try to figure out if it's possible to balance school and work in a way that isn't so draining.

Here's my evaluation of where I'm at and where I should go next.

Goal 1:: Teach: Hopefully I'll have more to say on this next week.

Goal 2:: Write songs: I'm excited to try my hand at this. I've been letting my mind mull over some song ideas the past few months and I'm excited about what might come out. I feel like I might actually be good at this, I just don't quite know where to start the whole process. Those of who you are my songwriter friends, don't be surprised if I start asking for advice the next few weeks. [I should also add with this, that I'm terrified of failing. I'm doing my best to dive into this head-first and give it my 100%, but I'm constantly fighting this little voice that says I'll never be good at it.]

Goal 3:: Reconnect: This goal is going well. In March, I [re]connected with a newer friend. In April, I reconnected with my cousin, Kolten. I'm still looking for someone to reconnect with this month and have a few leads.

Goal 4:: Engage globally: I haven't approached this goal yet and I'm still not positive what this is going to look like.

Goal 5:: Take 2 of 4 trips: I'm excited to say, that I just might be able to take all 4! I've been scouring ticket prices and I'm going to try and make it happen. So far, I've gone to Tennessee to see Joe and Leah. I have plans to go to New York City in November. I'm working on getting my sister to pick some dates for us to go to Portland. And I'm hoping to get down to Dallas this summer -- though I should add that Brett and Sarah were here this week which will help hold me over for a few more months.

Goal 6:: Redefine spirituality: I need to get together with Alyssa to get my questions in order and I need to complete my list of people I intend to ask said questions. I hope to get things together by the end of May.

Goal 7:: Define me: See post from 31 March 10.

Goal 8:: Be frugal: I'm down to $2,392.14 in credit card debt! I still owe a $1,000 medical bill and I'm in the process of paying back my Dad for helping me get my brakes fixed a few months ago, but I'm slowly catching up. When I look at the fact that I've paid off over $2,800 in the last few months, it makes all the working extra and saving pennies seem worth it. [Hopefully Lisa is proud that the budget she helped me create is working.]

Goal 9:: Clean my box: This one makes me laugh. Not only do I have a box of junk, but a pile of papers on my dresser and another stack on the floor. It's going to be a process.

Goal 10:: Post photos: I'm excited to get to this one! Hopefully I'll have at least one album to share in the next few weeks.

That's the recap on where I'm headed this summer. I hope it's a fun ride.

Thanks for reading!

Jackie: High and Dry and Still Moving

[Trying to get Aaron and Dalley to the airport. We couldn't make it there due to flooded highways and roads.

This was the beginning of watching doppler radars for 3 days straight.]

Well, I am now thanks to Denver's altitude and the fact that it's a desert up here.

The trip to Tennessee was amazing. It was time away from all the things in my life that are overwhelming, a chance to be with some of my dearest friends ... oh, and a little bit of adventure. :) It was also a strange reminder to how life simply continues... but I'll get to that later on.

This was an amazing and much needed getaway. Spending the weekend at Joe and Leah's house felt a little like home. It was warm, welcoming and comfortable. There were no formalities, just 5 people together. The pace is slower in Tennessee, the hospitality warmer and the people friendlier.

To me, life stopped and all that existed was this mini-vacation.

We sat around the firepit on Friday night letting the flicker of flames consume our thoughts when the breezes turned to winds and clouds started covering the stars -- signs the "rainy weekend" was about to begin. That's when we got a startling text message - some friends of ours had lost their baby at 38 weeks. And life jumped back to reality. Back home our friends were dealing with an unimaginable tragedy.

But soon we were back in the reality of Nashville. We were all together, enjoying each other ... while the rain picked up and water started pooling, creeks started overflowing, water was coming in basements and the rain just wouldn't stop. I'm sure you've seen pictures on the news or internet, but they don't do justice to the situation. I saw an indescribable amount of water -- places we were at on Friday were complete submerged on Saturday and the waters were still rising on Sunday. [Note: Joe and Leah's house was fine aside from the inch of water in their basement which translated to a whopping 300 gallons of water we took outside in buckets].

Then vacation ended and on Monday afternoon I was back in classes, back in my normal reality. [Though many Nashvillians won't see normal for quite some time, if ever.]

Tuesday morning I was at the funeral of the little one -- grieving a life no one got to enjoy. Another hour outside my world to step inside the grief of my friends. Grief that has been all consuming for them and grief that won't end any time soon. To them, their world has stopped indefinitely.

My little world this semester has felt constricted and all too self-involved. I've found myself apologizing almost constantly -- for not returning messages, for forgetting things, for complaining too much. I wanted to say thank you to all of you who have stepped inside my world in the midst of my recent insanity, looked past my forgetfulness and accepted that this is the current reality of my life.

And of course, thanks to Joe and Leah for hosting me in their home. I love you guys.

PS... My finals and sophomore voice proficiency are Monday and Tuesday!

PPS... I'll post more pics of my trip soon!

[This used to be a park. The Duck River is actually flowing quite nicely behind that first row of trees. By the time I left, the water had risen up to the roof of the picnic structure behind us.]

The Road is Life

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” – Jack Kerouac

I don't have a lot of money.  I don't have any money, actually.  In fact, I lost my job today.  It's a long story, and one that, if all goes as planned, won't have a tragic ending.  It does, however, make things like "leave the state once a month" and "leave the country once a year" a little tricky.  And to the average responsible reader, I should by all accounts be hunkering down and saving my pennies; but, as it turns out, I'm 22.  And I've been thinking a lot lately about the possibility that  I may not be 22 for long, maybe ever again.

Mark Jenkins said of traveling- “adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.”

I think we're all born with the desire to travel and to adventure.  We're programmed with wanderlust in our veins and the need to experience things outside of our purview.  Unfortunately, those that realize this deep longing are few; those that realize and actually act on it are even less so.  I feel like an obligation has been placed on my shoulders- that I must go and smell, taste and experience life outside of this square state I was born into.  I have realized this illusive part of human nature and must therefore consider it a responsibility to make it a part of my life.   

But like I said, I'm broke.  I have to start small, so I shall do just that.   I have a list compiled of all of the towns, unknown and known, in Colorado that I'll be frequenting this Summer.  Also, I have excursions planned for the next three months to realize my goal of leaving the state.  First up: Seattle in June to see a very lovely friend who has graciously offered me her couch.  July will find me on a boat on Lake Michigan, celebrating another friend's exodus from higher education.  And August may very well lead me to the charming state of Iowa for my second round with their State Fair.  All trips center around very dear people to me and I'm sure will never feel long enough.  And with that knowledge, I'll be seeing, tasting and experiencing as much as my five senses can take in.  And you can be sure I'll be reporting back on it.

But there's one last bit to the goal: leave the country once a year.  Tricky.  I put a deadline on myself for this one.  I said I'd be contacting Heartline in May to see if they'd have me to stay in December.  If my calculations are correct, today is May 3.  *Gulp.*   Hopefully I'll have some good news on this front in a few weeks.

If I don't make it back to Haiti I must know that something else lies before me, grand on the horizon.  There is much more to be had and I plan to have it all.   It is true what Jack said up there: my way is long, and it probably won't be easy.  But  this road is my life, and I certainly plan to tread the hell out of it.

Here's a song that reminds me of the type of life I'd like to live.