Genevieve, You Need To Focus On You

Heeey, remember a good two months ago when I promised I'd start posting regularly again? Weeeell, that obviously hasn't happened. BUT guess what?! I'm back.

The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions, experiences and realizations. The final and biggest realization I've had... I need to focus on me. This summer has been an amazing learning experience on people and relationships. But what it has boiled down to is the fact, that in the midst of this hurricane of hurt, love and confusion, I am the most vital piece to keeping me in tact. No one else is in charge of that or should be in charge of that. And after watching close friends constantly being hurt and loosing others, I finally have put a stop to it.

This is Genevieve, pulling out all the stops and going into self preservation mode. I am currently reassessing my goals, because I've come to find that there is a fine line between what you aspire towards and what you think is expected of you. I want to love what I'm doing. I want nothing but passion and an unadulterated drive to get me to where I want to go and that cannot be clouded by anyone or anything.

Hang in there. I'm sensing new horizons. I feel like I'm on the verge of something because...

‎"Before the beginning of great brilliance there must be chaos"

 

 

Jackie - I'm working on it

 

After rereading my last post, I felt a little dramatic. And I thought if I were reading what I'd just wrote, I would give myself some advice to make it happen.

Plus, I was really inspired by Sam's comment on my last post! It was fascinating to think about using an eraser. Of course! Artists do it all the time. They pencil in the main idea before they paint. But they aren't afraid to erase and start anew! And really, if they aren't pleased with how it's turning out they can cover it up and start again. It's brilliant! [If you didn't read her comment, she had lots of good things to say! You can view it here.]

As you have all become well-aware, I've been frustrated that my life isn't a reflection of who I am and who I want to be and I thought, maybe I should figure out what it is I end up spending my time doing, cut out the crud and rewrite how my week is going to look. I can't, nor do I want to, completely start over, but I thought, I could just change little things.

So that's what I've been trying to do. I've been piecing together a schedule that includes time for the necessities [sleep, work and school] and adding time for the things I want to do like exercise, do creative things, working on goals, going to church and home group and, naturally, having at least a little fun. The past few semesters I've been scheduled 12 hours a day all week long and I think I'm still recovering from the wear and tear of all that. So I decided enough was enough and I wasn't going to do that to myself anymore.

I wanted to title this post by saying, "Well, I've done it." But, alas, my school schedule got all messed up and I'm still in the midst of piecing it all together.

I'll have to get back to you with the final results when it's done.

Thanks for joining me in this journey -- even though it's taken quite a few unexpected turns and we're currently WAY off course.

Jackie - I am written.

I can't believe Sarah's gone. It feels like our apartment is extremely empty. If I'm honest, life feels a little empty.

I've experienced a plethora emotions the past few weeks -- new emotions I'm not entirely sure how to process. They are deeply emotional, heart-wrenching and, yet, welcome. I've never had a friend like Sarah before. We say we're kindred spirits, but somehow those words don't seem to do it justice. We know each other and can read the other person. And when one of us is in a bad mood, the other doesn't get offended. We look out for each other. We can share secrets, fears, pipe dreams and embarrassing admissions knowing the other won't judge. We can agree to disagree.

I care more deeply about Sarah that I do myself... which is why I can send her off to a new life with honest-to-goodness well wishes.

We've become somewhat of a team and share future goals and dreams, and a hope to remain friends forever. We laugh that when the two of us have had our adventures, we'll be sitting side by side in wheelchairs next to each other in the nursing home "activity room" gabbing about nothing in particular and commenting on life. And least I hope. But then again, I just launched her off to a new life.

That's what the [first] trip to Portland a few weeks ago was all about -- launching Sarah into a new life. And that's what we did: a car load of Sarah's belongings, 20 hours of driving, settling her into new place, getting matching tattoos, finding our way around town and trying to locate the places the cool kids hang out. But in the back of my mind has been the reality that to truly launch her means that she if finds a new best friend, I have to be happy for her that she's found someone to be close with in her own city, so she's not alone. And if that happens, hopefully I will be.

But enough of the sad talk... back to the point.

And I have to admit that mixed with all the sad emotions of coming home alone and the happy emotions for Sarah to start something new, is more jealousy than I'd like to admit.

There was this advertisement we saw a lot driving around Portland that said, "What's on Your Canvas?" It drove me nuts to think about. Sarah gets a completely blank canvas with which to work --  she can decide how her job, social life, friends, writing, personal time, and everything else are going to look. She gets to recreate life.

I'm frustrated because I feel like my life is stuck. I have a life that is already full. And it's hard to add more to full. Oh, how I would love to scrap all the everyday obligations and to-dos and build a new life. To start from the bottom up creating life exactly as I want it. The problem is for the most part, I kind of like the things currently on my canvas and when I think about getting rid of something, I'm stumped.

How can I become this person I want to be, doing the things I want to do when it doesn't feel like it's humanly possible to make it all fit? So that's where I've been... frustrated. Annoyed. Confused. And wondering, why did I get "I am written" on my wrist?

Because here's the deal with that:

When an author writes a book, they start with an overall idea and create characters. They very intentionally create characters including their names, personality traits, the things they're good at, the way the dress, they way they talk, everything has a purpose. And any author would tell you that when they write a story, the character writes the story with them. The author has the overall idea, but as the story progresses the character contributes, adds, colors the story with their own unique flair. [Thanks Donald Miller for inspiring us.]

Sarah and I are saying with our tattoos that we were both created intentionally, to live out a story and that it's our responsibility to write our story with the author.

Right now I'm stuck in the midst of an internal battle between "just living what I've got" and "living an intentional story."

I wish I had something more profound to say and a positive report on at least one of my goals. But I'm feeling really stuck at the moment and my goals have taken to the wayside.

I don't know... what are your thoughts? How much of the story should one write intentionally? And how much of life should you just live what you've got?