I tried to post last week. I really did. But as I sat on the floor of my half empty room, sweltering heat swirling around my head and the weight of a late night (early morning?) hanging down on my eyelids, all the words that came out sounded flat and meaningless.
Let's flash forward to today- I'm sitting at the Random House Cafe on Alberta, the sky is overcast and the breeze outside is refreshing. I have a vanilla latte in front of me (because that's what Jackie always orders and I miss her today). I'm not in Denver anymore, but I don't feel entirely out of place. Things don't feel unfamiliar to me here- you know that uncomfortable feeling you get in a a different place you just don't get. No, things just feel new here. Things feel good here too.
The weeks leading up to this moment in this cafe on this street in Portland have been many things: a whirlwind, emotionally draining, emotionally encouraging, but mostly unforgettable. I've been trying to come up with a word to describe what it feels like to have people in your life that love you enough to go along with a long and ridiculous list created solely to satisfy my every whim. Things like going to Lakeside and camping out in the back yard. Acting like an 8 year old at Water World and ambushing friends just to make sure I got to see them before I left. That word still evades me, but perhaps a wordsmith greater than myself will think of something. During those weeks, I had about one emotional outburst every day- whether my friends knew about it or not- not because I was afraid to go to Portland and leave them behind, but because I was afraid they'd leave me too. I guess I should stop talking in past tense here because it's a fear that's sticking around.
I am afraid that I'll come back home and things will be different- because things were really great when I left. I'm afraid I'll come back and my good friends will be acquaintances. No matter how much they say it won't happen, I still worry.
I don't worry about falling on my face here. I don't worry about finding a job, or doing well in school, or living in a place that suites me. I worry about my relationships and my community- it was something I was just starting to get the hang of before I left and now I worry it won't be there when I come home.
This post isn't about my goals so to speak, it's just to say hello, and that I miss you. It's to say I want to work hard to still be your friend from far away. It's to say come visit me soon and let's write letters. It's to say I promise to not forget your birthday and will you call me on mine? It's to say I'm doing okay, don't worry about me, and how are you? And it's to say I love you. More than anything it's about that.
If you're so inclined, leave me your address in the comments section (or email) and I'll send you letters or postcards :)
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