Jackie - Showing My True Colors

Goal 3:: Define Me

I'm dreading this goal -- writing about it, thinking about it, doing it -- all of it. And still yet, I'm excited about it.

It's two-fold.

On the one hand this goal is for me. For figuring out me. For making me into the me I want me to be. It's kind of like I said in my initial post,  I want to make the external me to be a reflection of the internal me.

Of course, that takes sometime to figure out what I actually care about and want to be about. And prioritizing about which of those things get to stay on the top of my list. I'm working on that -- maybe I'll post on things as they come together, or maybe they'll just be reflected in everything else I'm doing. We'll see...

On the other hand, this goal is for you. [Really? Yes! ... sort of.] It's an opportunity for me to put myself out there... to put my real self out there. Let's go back to my initial post when I explained how I feel a bit like a late bloomer. Well, that included figuring out who I am. I've done quite a bit of soul searching the past few years and I feel like I'm finally figuring out what I'm like and what I like. I still feel like I'm at the tip of the ice berg, but I kind of like this person I'm discovering.

One of the hard parts to figuring out who I am has been becoming that person. It's difficult to suddenly become a different person -- both for me and for everyone else. I feel like very few people actually know me; it's like I keep getting put into boxes and everything inside of me wants to shout, "I don't belong in here!" I feel misunderstood. It's been this way for much of my life. I've been defined by things I don't want to be and don't represent me. The qualities I like about myself don't get seen. And I wish people could know and appreciate who I am.

Typing those words makes me feel like I'm placing the blame on everyone else. But really, I don't think blame is even an issue. I've been working hard to establish who I am and now I need a way to communicate that with those around me. Having a venue to display my real self is one of the reasons I chose to be a part of this blog. I've wanted to share my soul and spill my guts on [proverbial] paper for awhile, so I'm taking the opportunity this year to show you what I'm really made of.

Or maybe all of this is just the process of getting older ... *sigh*

I'm sure everyone's felt misunderstood during different stages of life. Since I'm in the midst of figuring all this out, I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share!

Sarah's Attempt to Court Herself- Harder Than it Seems

{photo found here}

I am creatively blocked.  This fact has been quite clear to me for some time now- years, in fact.  To try to combat said "blockage" I started up a program called The Artists Way- a 12 week, in depth program full of readings and exercises meant to kick your inner critic to the curb and get you back to the creative genius you were when you were five.  I never finished the program- finishing things is obviously not my forte.  Despite that, I did take away a few key principles.  One of those was the concept of an artist's date.

An artist's date consists of taking yourself out on, well, a date.  It can be anything.  There are no rules- no way you can do it wrong.  And that's important.  It's about allowing yourself to be free with yourself and enjoying the wonderful company that lives upstairs.

Artists dates intrigue me.  First of all, any excuse I can find to hang out with myself, one on one, sounds fantastic.  Second of all, despite the fact that I love alone time, artist's dates are super difficult for me to commit to.  Whenever I plan them there is always always something more important that needs to be done.  And I am not one of those people that puts off time alone.  Put the "artist date" label on it though, and there are a million things to be done that are far more important.  The irony baffles me.

I have my theories as to why this is.  The most formidable one being that the moment I deem "alone time" an artist's date, it becomes connected with my writing.  And in an effort of full disclosure, I suppose I should tell you that I simply don't write any more (this blog excepted).  Somewhere along the line I've convinced myself it's safer to just not try, that not humiliating myself is better than actually acting on my passion.  So I play the part- read constantly, wear dark rimmed glasses, and type away on my mac in coffee shops.  But I can't remember the last time I actually created something worth mentioning, or at least saving to my desktop.

So, if my hypothesis is correct, this tension with artist's dates and this fear of writing are connected.  Somewhere along the line, my synapses started to figure out that if I actually start taking responsibility for my creativity and writing process, I might actually have to start writing again; that will inevitably lead to the perpetual and viscous cycle of self loathing and insecurities.  Being right brained isn't all it's cracked up to be, no?

I did go on an artist's date this week, though.  I checked out a small used bookstore on Broadway called The Book Keep that I've been eyeing for some time.  I came out with three books, one of which is the complete anthology of Emily Dickinson poems.  One of the peices I started writing last year heavily involves Emily Dickinson, so I suppose I'm off to a solid start- ready to research and maybe even write again.

Baby steps.

The Human Connection for Genevieve

I think people are the single most amazing gift God has placed in my life. I have friends from the earliest part of my childhood that I still get excited to chat with on the phone. They understand that deeper part of my heart, of my personality, that most don't. For some reason, it's that human connection that gets me through the day sometimes.

I recently took a personality test at work. Our CFO wanted to see how each of us on staff related to one another. I classified as a "Guardian", which means I'm socially adept, love to care for others and am a leader in group situations. Many guardians are presidents of the local community board, leaders in their churches, on their sports teams and in the school PTA. They love to organize functions and be in the lime light. This definitely describes me... In college I was president of my campuses music business club, ridiculously talkative in a cappella ensemble (or any class for that matter), constantly organizing parties, working a job and internship simultaneously or talking on the phone with someone across the country I couldn't readily grab a drink with. But the description in the personality test booklet also reveals a downside of the ever sociable nurturer. It states, "sometimes may be sociable to their detriment".

Towards the end of my college career I was so connected, constantly networking and always a part of some sort of social function... I started to feel worn thin. I always had to be with someone. I, secretly, didn't know who I was without people. And then I moved to LA... where I lived with my brother who worked odd hours at a hospital and my close friends from a previous internship lived 45 minutes away. I was suddenly forced to be alone. It was scary yet invigorating. I learned to be ok with praying for hours on end, connecting deeply to my soul and even going out on dates by myself. When I decided to move back to Denver I made it a conscious effort to reconnect with those people I felt truly cared about me as a person... not people I randomly had classes with, would sip a beer with at a party or run into at a show. I wanted to focus my energy on relationships that truly meant something.

Since then I've had some great reconnections, made deep loving relationships and have had wonderful new people enter into my life. But at the same time, I've maintained that connection with myself which is the most important part. Because how can I maintain all of these relationships and give the way I should if I don't know who I am to begin with? I want this wonderful path to continue throughout 2010, all with a focus and commitment to who I am and who I need to be in others lives.

Jackie - To Connect or Reconnect?

Last week I connected with a friend. I mean really connected.

The two of us have planned to get together for awhile, but it always seemed to fall though the cracks. As a fellow musician, she is constantly working on promote her music, book shows and teaching lessons on the side. And, well, I've already mentioned at least once that my schedule's a bit ridiculous these days. [Pondering this got me thinking about the difference between busyness and working hard, but that's beside the point.]

We had a long lunch last week at the Bangkok Cafe and I got a glimpse into the inner workings of someone I've only been able to respect from afar. And it was nice. I've always respected her musically, in fact, her music continues to be a inspiration for me to pursue my own. She is remarkably true to herself. And she is perpetually kind. All qualities I'd like to see in myself more.

Our lunch showed me how genuine those traits are.

It was one of the first warm days this spring, so my car smelled faintly of sunshine; and I as I drove away I replayed our conversation in my head which felt more like an intertwined journey through both of our lives. 

It wasn't one of those earth shattering conversations where we both open up about the deepest, darkest parts of our hearts, but it was profound because it was the first meaningful conversation I've had in quite a while. We talked about a recent situation in her life, our experiences with religion and spirituality, expectations for life and a little bit about the day-to-day.

It was real... honest... and I walked away looking at life a little bit different.

Our conversation was a nice reminder about living intentionally -- filling my life with the people I want to be a part of my world, getting to know people for what makes them tick, focusing in on what I really want my life to be about --  and shaping each day to reflect those things.

So often I get together with someone the conversation gets stuck on the menial, thoughts on current events and complaints against the world. And I hope to change that in the future.

Here's to future conversations with those in my world about what makes them tick, what experiences in their life have shaped who they are and what they're trying to do to leave their mark on this world.

[PS... I know the goal was to "reconnect" with someone from my past and I realize my third post is a little soon to start fudging the rules of the blog, but this particular conversation struck a chord. So, here's to March's Goal 3:: [Re]connect.]