Jackie - Big Question Marks

Ok, here we are, back into posting about actual goals. I suppose it's about time to dig into the spiritual goal. I started writing all of these a few months ago, so I just need to spruce them up a little and post them. I'm hoping to get through these pretty quickly. Here we go...

I felt a nagging, no, that's not quite the right word, it sounds too negative. I felt a tug back before the holidays. It was really soft at first, in fact, I almost missed it; it was tender and gentle and kind. A beckoning of my soul. And, it felt familiar.

I've had this spiritual goal on my list and I spent the better part of the year not addressing it, but over the holidays I answered that tug and got to have some really fascinating conversations. Here's a refresher on the goal: I have spiritual questions. Ones that cannot go unanswered any longer. I decided the book and church answers I can quote from memory weren't enough; I needed more. I wanted to hear first-hand experiences and thoughts. 

I chose a handful of people I respect and asked them for a cup of coffee. I got all scientific-like asking them the same questions, documenting their answers and will present these findings to you. I explained to them that I know the Bible passages and rote answers, but I want to hear their hearts and what made them choose, and continue to choose Christianity.

But before we get to their answers, I want to give you the questions for perspective.

[Wait, even before I get to that, I must apologize. It's going to take a handful of posts to get through this goal. I hope posting this all at once isn't tedious for you as a reader, but if it is I won't be offended if you skip a few and "save them for later."] 

Here's where I'm coming from. I am a Christian and I believe everything that goes along with that. I believe there is more to this life than meets the eye and I want to be a part of what's bigger. I love, depend on and need God. BUT... and you knew that was coming... sometimes have a hard time seeing the relevance in Christianity. It seems out of place; it's like doesn't fit. I suppose that makes sense with the self-sufficient, relationally-disconnected lifestyle we have modeled for us in America. Thus...

Question #1: What does it mean to be a Christian?

Each person choses faith for their own reasons - as they should. But to get a little background on the perspective of each interviewee, I wanted to know how they each made their decision to identify with Christianity. Thus...

Question #2: Why should I believe there's a God? Why should I care? Why does it matter if I believe in God?

Life is significant, or at least it should be. I believe it is. But is it really? And if so, what does that mean?... for my life? For the lives of those around me? For the world? And if we know the point of life, will that make a difference or change things? Thus...

Question #3: What's the point of life? What's our individual purpose? What is the point of God having a will if he gave us freedom of choice? Is it Satan who causes bad stuff because he sucks? Or God who causes bad stuff to happen because I'm not good enough?

Then I have to wonder how prayer fits into all of this. I don't always understand why God wants to spend time with us. We're supposed to be in some sort of relationship with him, but few people would continue to be in a relationship with someone who treats them as badly as we treat God. It feels almost like God is self-deprecating in the way it feels like he lets us walk all over him. Which brings me back to my point, why does God want to spend time with us? And why would we feel we have the right to ask anything of him? Thus... 

Question #4: Prayer: how do I approach it? How does it work? Does it work? How do I evaluate its effectiveness?

Then we get to the real crux of the matter... being a real-life Christian. I hate to say this, but I am more often embarrassed to call myself a Christian than I am proud. I am often bewildered that the faith system I belong to, whose focus is loving God who desires relationship, has become a place of judgment, selfishness, unloving and not accepting. It's beyond a matter of personal reputation. I hate that I feel I have to apologize for choosing to to be a follower of Christ. Thus...

Question #5: Why should I want to be a part of Christianity when it feels like it comes with a bad reputation or bad name? What does it look like to be an culturally-relevant, non-apologetic Christian? 

I think a lot of people can agree that during the hard times, when it seems there's nothing else to rely on, it's easy to have a relationship with God. Well, maybe "easy" isn't quite the right word. But, when the going is rough, there is an inherent need to have something bigger than this world to believe in, to lean on, to be carried by. How about when things are going well and everything seems to be holding itself together? What then? Thus...

Question #6: What does a relationship with God look like in the "normal" times?

And last, because each person's relationship with God is such an individual experience, I asked this final question. [Spoiler alert: This question might have something to do with one of my goals for next year.]

Question #7: Who is God to you? 

Looking over this list in hindsight, it feels like I asked some daunting questions... I supposed I did. 

The people who gracious shared their thoughts with me did an amazing job putting their faith into perspective. I'm excited to share their answers with you... stay tuned.

Jackie - Unravelled

I did something that wasn't very nice. I didn't mean to do it... it just kind of happened. I try to be considerate of others, but sometimes when this brain of mine is trying to synthesize too many things all at once, everything ends up mashed together into one big heap of non-functioning jambalaya. So I wanted to start this blog with an apology for writing a disconcerting blog and then falling off the planet because that wasn't very nice of me.

Here's the deal... sometimes when you pull a little thread, the whole thing comes unravelled. That's kinda what happened. This year of Shake the Dust for me was about figuring out me, defining me. It feels a little narcissistic, so I haven't actually said it in this many words before now, but it was "the year of me." It was a year of picking apart what was shaping my life and putting everything back with intentionality. I looked at the people in my life, the stuff in my life, my finances, my creativity, my spirituality, my future goals and the little things in between -- taking things apart and putting them back together again. The hope was to come out on the other side feeling like a more holistic version of myself. And for the most part, that's what was happening.

Then we got to February. And there was this little thread. So I pulled it. But it just got a little bigger. So I pulled a little more. And that's about when things started falling apart. It's like I ripped out the entire seam. The whole story is much, much too long and complicated for a blog post at this point. But I can tell you I'm confident that when I get to the other side of this, I think I will be a more complete version of myself than I ever have been. 

But for now I'm in the middle -- between the seams -- and my heart is raw.

Here's the great part about being in the middle, with the seams in disarray: you have the unique capacity to know the love of those around you. A friend recently introduced me to the this quote: "Grief makes us more permeable, where we can get out of ourselves and others can get in. It changes the very shape of our soul." -Richard Rohr

And I have definitely been shaped.  

I could write a string of blogs on the ways I have been touched and shaped by those around me, but I'll get to the point. Sarah had the insight to see that while the point of this blog was to see what we could do in a year and be honest about what we did and didn't accomplish, sometimes it's more important to have grace with ourselves and finish well. I'm in Portland for the weekend and plan to visit some of my favorite coffee establishments and put into words how I've been shaking the dust. 

For the real this time... stay tuned.

Jackie - Blindsided

Have you ever had one of those seasons in life where everything is just swimming? A season where life feels content and the world seems full of possibilities; it's not perfect, but it seems like all the puzzle pieces fit together. You know, one of those times when there is this indescribable excitement for the future.

And then you get completely blindedsided.

That's what happened in my world in the 48 hours from Saturday afternoon to Monday afternoon. It's past the point where up feels down, and down feels up. I'm not even sure what up and down feel like any more. Or maybe up and down don't even exist. I think they do; I'm just not sure where to find them. 

It's a little like getting blindfolded and spun around, and then expected to pin the mustache on Benito Juarez... or a tail on a donkey.

Except multiply that times 4.

So... the of the Shake the Dust year... yeah, that came up a little unexpectedly also. But I still have 4 weeks. You'll be hearing from me again soon.

Jackie - Happy Birthday to Me!

That's right, it was my birthday this week. And this birthday was unlike any other I have experienced, but I mean that in a good way. Generally, I hate my birthday. As a friend of mine put it, it falls in no-man's land. It's a few weeks after Christmas, long enough that everyone is in a dull zone of life. There's been actual research presented about how depressed everyone is during the middle of January. Translation: People aren't in the mood to celebrate. Like I said, generally, I hate my birthday.

But this year was different.

I had originally planned to spend my birthday in Portland with Sarah, but all that stuff with my car was time consuming and cost me the money I had saved for the trip. When plans changed, I moped. In fact, I moped a lot. I thought about just forgetting my birthday. I thought I'd stay home and maybe hang out with Harry Potter all weekend. Then it dawned on me that I was being ridiculous. [Not about the Harry Potter part, of course. Just about all the moping.]

Turns out, I had the best birthday ever. Seriously. My friends and family made me feel loved and celebrated. My cup runneth over.

In the past when I made resolutions for myself, I usually measured them from birthday to birthday -- it felt more personal to me that way. But this year, I still have 6 weeks left to Shake the Dust. I have a lot to say about what a year of trying to shake the dust has been like. It's been challenging, good, hard, long, surprising. But I'll save that for a sappy end-of-the-year post.

Instead, I'm adding a goal. Ok, not a real, measurable, Shake the Dust goal; it's a little more abstract. My birthday this year taught me something, it taught me that I've been missing. Not that I've literally been unable to find, but that I'm missing details, nuances and generally good things in life. It was the details that made my birthday special - each individual well-wish, a ridiculous amount of laughter with friends, noisemakers and a CD, homemade cakes [thick yarn and all], phone calls and thoughtful gifts, countless hugs. Little things with lots of meaning.

I don't want to keep missing.

Here's to being more grateful and paying attention to the small things on a daily basis.

Jackie - You Are Uniquely You

I have great news! And I can't believe I forgot to share it with you a few weeks ago. My check engine light turned off! I added some oil, talked to her gently and the check engine light is no longer staring me down every time I drive my car. Maybe you're like me and you're thinking, that car is pretty old, is it possible the light just burned out? Except that whenever I start my car and all the lights in my dash come on, it let's me know it still works. [Unlike my gas light, which really did burn out.]

Here's the bad news: my car got totaled last week. I was in a small accident, but my 13 year old Honda Accord took the brunt of the damage and the estimate to repair her is over $4,200. The upside of this is that they think my 13 year old Honda Accord is worth almost $5,000. I'm sure I won't get the whole amount, but that's a great start to a down payment. As far as it affects my financial goal - I don't think it will too much. I chatted it through with Financial Guru Lisa and if I can keep my car loan payment less than my current credit card payments, I'll be just fine. [Spoiler Alert: That means those credit card payments are about to go away soon!]

The other good news is that my cousin, Kaleigh is going to be flying in on Sunday to spend a few days with the family. She is one of my favorites so I'm looking forward to spending a few days reconnecting with her. I'll let you know how it goes.

The last day of the year is a great time for reflection. So I'm including a piece I wrote for the current issue of the magazine I work for. As you're considering the year behind - all the things you wanted to accomplished and all the things you wish you'd accomplished but didn't... and as you're considering the year ahead - all the things you'd like to accomplish and the items from that list you might be doubting... consider the fact that you are who you are on purpose.

You Are Uniquely You
Consider this.
And really take the
time to think about
it. You are unique.
There will never be
anyone else who can
fit into your mold.

And that was on
purpose.

Reflect on the detail
put into creating
your physical body.
Think about the oneof-
a-kind way you
taste food, make
and grow babies and
see color and all the
complex processes
your body carries
out every day.

Examine the way
your mind works.
Ponder the individual
way you experience
emotions, think
about complex
ideas, enjoy others
and love deeply.

Contemplate what
makes you — you.
The combination of
your genetics, life
experiences and
choices are exclusive
only to you.

And consider that it
was all on purpose.
You are uniquely
you. And you are
loved for exactly
who you are.

-Jackie Alvarez
Originally appeared in November/December 2010 MomSense magazine. 

MOPS.org. Used with Permission.

Jackie - charity: water

Christmas is over and now it's back to real life, huh? It's amazing how fast it comes and goes and then the day after Christmas is left in an erie silence of "normal" we haven't seen since the middle of November.

In an effort to keep a little bit of the Christmas spirit alive, I'll tell you a little about my holiday this year. And it even relates to a goal. You're impressed, I can tell.

Over Christmas I got involved globally. What? Over Christmas? Yes. It's not the grand jesture I had imagine when I wrote my goals almost a year ago, but it was a step. I little step toward engaging people across various borders. At TNL [that's my church], we got involved with an organization called charity: water [charitywater.org] for the holiday. The premise was this: give one less gift to someone who doesn't really need it and donate the money toward building a well so that somewhere across the ocean people could have a basic necessity of life: clean drinking water. And not just one sip of cool, clear refreshing water, but a well that will provide water for 20 years! They're a fantastic organization and you should check them out!

This year, I set my Christmas budget, went minimal on the gifts and gave everything left over toward the cause. And I'll tell you what, it felt fantastic! I've given to other organizations before, but this time it felt different, more significant. Maybe it's because I'm in this season of financial limits, but it felt like I really gave of myself toward others who have even less. It gave this year's Christmas more purpose than usual.

I'll leave you with a couple things you might be interested in checking out:
www.charitywater.org/tnl

Jackie - Things Are Moving ... Slowly

 

I'll start by saying I have quite a few things to write about. However, since I'm already struggling to get all my posts in, I'm going to save the significant things for their own posts. [Did I say that last time, I feel like I did... ] It feels a little like cheating, but think of it as getting out of reading one really, really long post.

First, GOOD NEWS!! My financial aid came through! I'm a little late with the news but I received my full financial aid for the fall semester that just finished. AND, they awarded me full financial aid for spring semester. The letter [which I didn't receive until a few weeks ago] explained that I will continue receiving financial aid on a term by term basis as long as I'm working toward completing a goal and my grades are good. Woo hoo!!

On that same financial note, I think I got my second job back. Which is a blessing and a curse. They couldn't manage without me [ha, ha] so over break I'm going to be putting in some extra hours and earning some extra money. The problem is that my school schedule next semester isn't going to be easy and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it all happen successfully. But I'll deal with that when it comes.

Also, I decided it's time to tackle my spiritual goal. I'll be honest, for the past few months I have been intentionally ignoring this goal. I haven't been in the right place to engage my questions and I wanted to do my best to give this whole process a fair chance. But for the past few weeks I've felt something in my heart and now I can't ignore God whispering to my heart any longer. It's time. So, I actually drafted up 5 proposal letters to people I'd like to "interview" with my spiritual questions and sent them out. By the amount of time I took writing the letters I can tell that this goal is going to be very humbling.

In an effort to enhance creativity I've committed to working through The Artist's Way. The book has been sitting on my shelf for quite some time with the intention of working through it, but I always put it off. It's a 12 week adventure [that's not the right word, but go with it] and for that reason it would be more appropriate to do over the summer, but I'm decided it can't wait any longer so I'm delving in. I might also have some other creative news, but I can't say. Which is kind of rude for me to even bring up, but I wanted to let you know that something is happening.

So... my box of random papers. Christmas break. I'm going to make it happen if it kills me.

I realized that I've been putting off posting my photos until I can sort through them on a new, better computer I was hoping to have had by now. However, my 2005 Dell that doesn't recognize Word documents and says "YY23E21" instead of "My Computer" has to stick around for awhile. So I'm going to have to get over it and just go through my photos.

And last, though it pains me to say so, I think I am going to concede on Goal 1:: Start teaching. I did some work talking to other music teachers about books and what things work for them, but I'm afraid that it just comes down to enough hours in the day. This is something I'd really like to do, but I think it's going to have to be something for a future year.

So that's where I'm at.

Thanks for sticking with is this long. 

You're support is appreciated!

Jackie - I'm living alone!

 [Note: This photo has nothing to do with my blog post, it's simply to show off Sarah and I's costumes for the midnight showing of the new Harry Potter movie. Amazing, right?]

I've written this post three times now. The first one was right after I moved across the hall and it was raving about how living alone is the only way to go. I had tons of motivation, I was being creative and getting lots of things done. I even picked a photo from Home Alone of Macaulay Culkin jumping on his parents bed saying, "I'm loving alone!"

The second time was couple weeks later after I came down with a stomach bug. I was alone and completely bored without a tv or Internet to entertain me, and I was missing my mom and Sarah who always take good care of me when I've been sick. I also learned that it's important as a single person to always have ginger ale around because I was in no shape to go get some when I needed it most.

Now it's been about six weeks and I think I've settled into a groove about what living alone looks like.

I'll start by saying, I think it was a great choice for me right now. It's nice to come home and be with just me. I've never been the introverted type, but I feel like I'm in the middle of one of those seasons that brings change and growth and all this alone-ness is giving me the opportunity to invest in what that looks like.

However [and that's a big however], I also find that living alone means a lot of accountability to myself. If I waste an entire evening [or week of evenings] lying on my couch doing absolutely nothing no one knows or even notices... just me. If I don't eat good meals and eat ice cream for breakfast no one knows... just me. If I live like a slob or don't wash the dishes for weeks no one knows... just me.

Maybe I'm late to the game, but I feel like all this living alone stuff is an entirely new way of experiencing all this deciding what my life should look like and what is worth the investment of my time.

Anyway, since this blog is about goals, I thought I'd update you on my financial goal. As of today, I only owe $1772.27 in credit card bills and $300 to my dad for my car. And I'm feeling pretty good about it since I started the blog with $3,300 of credit card debt, $1,100 of medical bills and a $700 debt to my dad. For us math nerds that means I've put $3,027.73 toward becoming debt free in the last 7 months!

My progress on this is probably going to slow down because I lost my second job a couple weeks ago [which I'm not entirely upset about since it was really stressing me out], but I still have hope I can get it all paid off by the end of 12 months.

I have other things to update on, but since I'm trying to get in 52 posts and I'm grossly behind, I'll save them for next time. Until then...

 

Jackie - It's All Up to the Man Now

Here's the deal. When you've been in college as long as I have, the Financial Aid people don't like it. In fact, they try really hard to make sure you aren't in college as long as I have been -- and generally, with good reason. However, I am still in school -- with my own good reasons.

I knew I was approaching the credit limit for financial aid assistance and had some plans in place for when it was going to run out. I thought everything was hunky dory for this semester when the school computer systems said my financial aid was planned to come through just like normal. I even got a postcard in the mail telling me that everything was in order.

But then it didn't come through and when I contacted them to find out I'm on financial aid suspension. You're shocked, right? Me too. I get good grades and I haven't reached the limit [thought I'm on the brink], so I was completely blindsided by this news. Turns out, they won't let you go over the limit, which is why I was put on suspension [without warning] now. The very friendly person answering my emails told me I can fill out a Satisfactory Academic Progress Appeal in hopes they will change their mind in my case and continue my aid. I filled out the form, wrote a personal statement and had to meet with my academic adviser. She's a rather busy person, so we had a brief email conversation about what was going on and I dropped off the form for her to fill out. That set got lost and I ended up dropping off another set a few days later. When I went to pick those up, they had been filled out wrong. After a third, successful, attempt, I walked all my forms down to the Financial Aid office yesterday and turned everything in.

I'm asking for prayers, thoughts or good juju -- whatever it is you go for -- in the direction of the person reviewing my case, because it's all up to the man [or woman], now. And I literally see someone at an old desk examining every word I wrote to determine of I'm worthy. ... Wow, I shouldn't think about that anymore. It's a little overwhelming. But on the brighter side, this person can both approve for me to get my financial aid this semester and can increase the credit limit to include the rest of my schooling education, if they see see fit.

Now, if they don't my financial goals are pretty much out the air because I'll have to come up with $4,000 in the next 9 weeks or I won't be able to continue my education. But right now, I have high hopes.

In case you're interested, I included my personal statement in the comments section if you've ever wondered for yourself what the heck I'm doing with my life.

Oh... and did I mention my check engine light turned on last week?

Jackie - Silent September

I decided to try somewhat of an experiment this month. I called it: Silent September.

Here's what it entails: no tv and no music... ok, some music, but only classical, ambient and music I'm working on for school.

The idea was tri-fold. [Is that how you say two-fold +1?]

First, I finally got a schedule worked out... you know, that one I was talking about where I wasn't scheduled for 12 hours a day in hopes of engaging the things I actually want to make my life about? That whole scheduling issue at school threw a little wrench in things, but I have a schedule with considerably more wiggle room than I've had in the last year and I don't want to get in the habit of wasting this extra time watching tv... which is really, really tempting. [As a side note, I'm so glad they cut the school's budget, raised tuition and spent millions of dollars on a new registration system that is horrible and does things like arbitrarily change course information to list it at the wrong time.]

Second, I've had a lot of stuff happen in the past few months. A lot. And most of it pretty craptastic. And at the same time, I've bee so go-go-go that my thinking and processing have gotten back logged. And this back-log is causing stress and anxiety like I've never had before. [I apologize to any one with anxiety that I've ever misunderstood -- this is horrible.] That was the main cause of the no music rule. What it really means is that I'm taking all the time I spend in the car and instead of passing the time, letting the tunes entertain me, I'm engaging the time to let my mind sort some stuff out.

Third, I am attempting to exercise more and tv tends to get in the way. That's all I'll say about that at the moment.

Oh, and side reason... Donald Miller gave up tv, so I figured... erm... I should stop here before I say something embarrassing.

So far it's been amazing! I've taken to working on one project per evening when I'm at home instead of watching tv. I'm caught up on my school reading [which is a lifetime first], I fixed an antique dresser, I have done a ton of cleaning up and cleaning out, AND I finally started going through my box [+ bag + pile] of papers and other things I've never known what to do with. That's right, turning off the tv has helped me attempt Goal 9:: Clean out my box. And my car time has definitely become good thinkin' time

But don't be misinformed and think I've been perfect. I definitely finished Season 3 of "30 Rock" and watched the first disc of "My So Called Life." But I have also been housesitting for my aunt with a super big tv and a million channels and I'm proud to say I haven't turned it on once.

Also... in other news.
Finances: I think I've taken a major, huge, catastrphic set-back because I'm having trouble with my financial aid at school. I'll update on this when I know more. 

52 Posts: There are 52 weeks in a year and I committed to posting every week. We're half way through and it turns out I missed a few weeks. Don't be surprised if you hear from me a couple extra times this half of the year as I'm determined to have 52 things to post about.

Until next week...

Jackie - Mexican Monday

Mexican Monday was something Sarah and I instituted when we first started living together. It was our own play on Taco Tuesday... except on Monday. I think we only celebrated Mexican Monday once [maybe twice], so I thought I'd bring it back for another hurrah.

And not only that, but I actually worked on a goal at the same time. Shocking, I know.

Last Monday, I went and had some Mexican food with Paul. I think I've known Paul as long as I have been alive. Or, at least as long as he's been alive since I'm a little bit older. We grew up in the same church so I saw him on the weekend and at major functions and our parents played softball together. Sometime around high school we drifted apart. Then one crazy day as I was serving dinner at the Denver Rescue Mission with some of my girls, it happened that Paul was among the other group we were paired with to volunteer for the night. So we started keeping in loose touch and got together one other time about a year ago.

It's at this part of the story where I am a little bit embarrassed. I'm pretty sure Paul contacted me about hanging out again sometime during the spring -- that's before summer, back before all the trees had bloomed. And if it wasn't for the fact that he kept emailing me and texting me even when I didn't respond, I'm not sure it ever would have happened. Turns out, I pretty much stink at making plans to get together with people. =/ I'm glad Paul and I know each other well enough that he felt comfortable pestering me over and over again.

Dinner was really fun. We caught up on life and such, but it wasn't one of those awkward conversations where I'm running down a mental checklist of all the things we should make sure to talk about. It was very relaxed; relaxed in a way that only happens when two people have known each other for their entire lives. We caught up on life - school plans, living situations and how the fam is doing. We talked a little bit about religion while we walked to a nearby park, discussing the likes and dislikes. And parted ways.

It was nice spending time with someone who's known me through my awkward phases. It felt like a little bit of home.

Here's to actually accomplishing something, goal #3:: reconnect and chips and salsa!

Jackie - I'm working on it

 

After rereading my last post, I felt a little dramatic. And I thought if I were reading what I'd just wrote, I would give myself some advice to make it happen.

Plus, I was really inspired by Sam's comment on my last post! It was fascinating to think about using an eraser. Of course! Artists do it all the time. They pencil in the main idea before they paint. But they aren't afraid to erase and start anew! And really, if they aren't pleased with how it's turning out they can cover it up and start again. It's brilliant! [If you didn't read her comment, she had lots of good things to say! You can view it here.]

As you have all become well-aware, I've been frustrated that my life isn't a reflection of who I am and who I want to be and I thought, maybe I should figure out what it is I end up spending my time doing, cut out the crud and rewrite how my week is going to look. I can't, nor do I want to, completely start over, but I thought, I could just change little things.

So that's what I've been trying to do. I've been piecing together a schedule that includes time for the necessities [sleep, work and school] and adding time for the things I want to do like exercise, do creative things, working on goals, going to church and home group and, naturally, having at least a little fun. The past few semesters I've been scheduled 12 hours a day all week long and I think I'm still recovering from the wear and tear of all that. So I decided enough was enough and I wasn't going to do that to myself anymore.

I wanted to title this post by saying, "Well, I've done it." But, alas, my school schedule got all messed up and I'm still in the midst of piecing it all together.

I'll have to get back to you with the final results when it's done.

Thanks for joining me in this journey -- even though it's taken quite a few unexpected turns and we're currently WAY off course.

Jackie - I am written.

I can't believe Sarah's gone. It feels like our apartment is extremely empty. If I'm honest, life feels a little empty.

I've experienced a plethora emotions the past few weeks -- new emotions I'm not entirely sure how to process. They are deeply emotional, heart-wrenching and, yet, welcome. I've never had a friend like Sarah before. We say we're kindred spirits, but somehow those words don't seem to do it justice. We know each other and can read the other person. And when one of us is in a bad mood, the other doesn't get offended. We look out for each other. We can share secrets, fears, pipe dreams and embarrassing admissions knowing the other won't judge. We can agree to disagree.

I care more deeply about Sarah that I do myself... which is why I can send her off to a new life with honest-to-goodness well wishes.

We've become somewhat of a team and share future goals and dreams, and a hope to remain friends forever. We laugh that when the two of us have had our adventures, we'll be sitting side by side in wheelchairs next to each other in the nursing home "activity room" gabbing about nothing in particular and commenting on life. And least I hope. But then again, I just launched her off to a new life.

That's what the [first] trip to Portland a few weeks ago was all about -- launching Sarah into a new life. And that's what we did: a car load of Sarah's belongings, 20 hours of driving, settling her into new place, getting matching tattoos, finding our way around town and trying to locate the places the cool kids hang out. But in the back of my mind has been the reality that to truly launch her means that she if finds a new best friend, I have to be happy for her that she's found someone to be close with in her own city, so she's not alone. And if that happens, hopefully I will be.

But enough of the sad talk... back to the point.

And I have to admit that mixed with all the sad emotions of coming home alone and the happy emotions for Sarah to start something new, is more jealousy than I'd like to admit.

There was this advertisement we saw a lot driving around Portland that said, "What's on Your Canvas?" It drove me nuts to think about. Sarah gets a completely blank canvas with which to work --  she can decide how her job, social life, friends, writing, personal time, and everything else are going to look. She gets to recreate life.

I'm frustrated because I feel like my life is stuck. I have a life that is already full. And it's hard to add more to full. Oh, how I would love to scrap all the everyday obligations and to-dos and build a new life. To start from the bottom up creating life exactly as I want it. The problem is for the most part, I kind of like the things currently on my canvas and when I think about getting rid of something, I'm stumped.

How can I become this person I want to be, doing the things I want to do when it doesn't feel like it's humanly possible to make it all fit? So that's where I've been... frustrated. Annoyed. Confused. And wondering, why did I get "I am written" on my wrist?

Because here's the deal with that:

When an author writes a book, they start with an overall idea and create characters. They very intentionally create characters including their names, personality traits, the things they're good at, the way the dress, they way they talk, everything has a purpose. And any author would tell you that when they write a story, the character writes the story with them. The author has the overall idea, but as the story progresses the character contributes, adds, colors the story with their own unique flair. [Thanks Donald Miller for inspiring us.]

Sarah and I are saying with our tattoos that we were both created intentionally, to live out a story and that it's our responsibility to write our story with the author.

Right now I'm stuck in the midst of an internal battle between "just living what I've got" and "living an intentional story."

I wish I had something more profound to say and a positive report on at least one of my goals. But I'm feeling really stuck at the moment and my goals have taken to the wayside.

I don't know... what are your thoughts? How much of the story should one write intentionally? And how much of life should you just live what you've got?

Jackie - The Road Trip

I have gotten some things done in the last couple weeks! Turns out it wasn't on my list, but I feel accomplished anyway and wanted to share. Since Sarah's been doing some cleaning out and packing, I felt inspired to do my own. I got rid of an entire bag of clothes and twice that much "junk!" And I'm feeling pretty good about the situation. It feels so much nicer to have less stuff. Especially with 2 moves on the horizon.

My landlady said I could move into the one-bedroom in our building for a couple months and keep paying the same amount of rent. And I couldn't say no to that! But, moving 15 feet is gonna stink. [Who wants to help?? :)]. I still might move in with the folks for a couple months to get a jump start on paying down the debt, but I couldn't say no to her offer to stay on Columbine St. a little bit longer.

Since I haven't been working on my goals, I wanted to give you a glimpse of what I have been doing. We've been marking things off Sarah's bucket list like crazy! She hasn't posted... probably because she's been too busy doing the list and having breakfast with a lot of people before she goes... and I don't want to steal her thunder, but here's what's been going on.

Lipgloss... twice.
Buffalo Exchange
Leela's for chai
Water World
Lakeside
Lost Lake Lounge
Camping in the backyard
Show at the Marquis
Watercourse for breakfast
Planning something secret... hee, hee
City O' City
Wolf Pack Hangout
Making new friends [that wasn't on the list, but we did it anyway for good measure]

Having people over... a lot
She-wolf Hangout
Going Away Party
 

Feels like there was more. Sarah... what am I missing?

But now it's time for the big move. I mapped a route, found us a place to stay half-way and acquired us 20-some-odd hours of Harry Potter on CD. Sarah got her car service and acquired us road snacks. All we have left to do is load up the car and head out in the morning.

Watch out, Portland, here we come!

Jackie - The Bucket List

The past couple weeks I've been busy with the bucket list. The thing is, it's not my bucket list. It's Sarah's. And I'm completely ok with that. She moves in a couple weeksand we're doing all the stuff she's going to miss about Denver.

In the midst of this, especially her going away party last weekend it finally hit me that she's leaving. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty bummed about it. I'm happy for her, but bummed for me. I'll skip writing anything sappy right now, I'm sure I'll have plenty of time for that after she drops me off at the airport in Portland and I have to fly home alone.

All that to say, I've been slacking on my goals. I felt bad at first, then thought, I only have a couple weeks to spend with Sarah before she moves and I should take advantage of that as much as possible.

My goal for the last week and the next two are to help Sarah cross as many things off her bucket list as possible... but I'll let her tell you about what's on the list.

In the meantime, I'm going to do a little recap of where I'm at on each of my goals so that when it comes time to tackle them again, I'll have some point of reference.

PS... if you have goals for the summer, I'd love to hear how they're coming or what might be holding you back from completing them!

Goal 1:: Teach: I need to get together with Leslie to discuss how to be a good teacher and contact my student so we can get started.
Goal 2:: Write songs: I'm having a hard time getting started so I'd really like to attempt this with someone who is already a songwriter. Anyone interested??
Goal 3:: Reconnect: In June, I spent a whole weekend reconnecting with Joe and Leah when they were here. I saw them in May, but we were a little focused on the flood and building the Sham-Dam that we didn't get to chat much. In July, I'm going to connect with one of my cousins,
Goal 4:: Engage globally: I haven't approached this goal yet and I'm still not positive what this is going to look like.
Goal 5:: Take 2 of 4 trips: I went to Tennessee in May. I'm going to Portland in both July and August. I've still got it on my calendar to go to New York in November. I'm still working on Dallas. Sarah was going to drive with me, but it might be a bit of a long drive for her. I gotta keep working on that one.
Goal 6:: Redefine spirituality: I got together with Alyssa to make my list of questions. Now I need to contact the people I'm hoping will get together with me and see if they're willing to be involved.
Goal 7:: Define me: See post from 31 March 10.
Goal 8:: Be frugal: Turns out, I might be moving in with my folks for a couple months to save some money.
Goal 9:: Clean my box: The box is still overflowing.
Goal 10:: Post photos: I should work on this.

Jackie: This Isn't Easy

What's not easy? This whole blog and sticking to my goals. I knew I'd get to this point and honestly, I didn't think I'd make it this long before I started to struggle with why I picked the goals I did and why I even thought this whole thing was a good idea. And all of that just means, it's a really good thing I'm involved with the blog or I'd never have any accountability to get anything done.

I have worked on one goal since we last talked and it means more traveling. Which is really more fun than cleaning out that box full of papers that just keeps staring at me with longing eyes.

I FINALLY convinced my sister to commit to take a trip up to Portland and visit our lifelong and dear friend, Kati. [Actually, she goes by Katrina these days -- which has been hard to get used to.] In August, Julie, my 19 month old nephew and I will be taking a trip to Portland! The traveling part is bound to be hilarious -- the two of us trying not to check more than one bag, traipsing through airports with carry-ons, the baby, stroller, diaper bags and, of course, our "personal items." [Yea for the airport and their all-too specific rules.]

So why this trip? Lots of reasons: we haven't seen Kati in years, my sister has been working harder than I have doing an accelerated paramedic program and needs a vacation, Lucas is 

cute and we need to show him off, I love Portland and Sarah might miss me by then.
 

Now the question is: what animal will we get?

... I also have a confession this week. I completely forgot about my goal of teaching lessons and that student who probably wonder's if I fell of the planet since I didn't call her in May like I said. [Props to Jeff for reminding me.] Argh, this is harder than I thought. I'll get that going this week and let you know how it goes.

Here's to another week to get back on the dust shaking wagon.

Jackie - So... God... ?

I decided to delve into my spirituality this year -- do some thinking, figure some stuff out.

I don't think I'd go as far as to say that I'm having a spiritual crisis, but i definitely have some things to think and talk and probably pray through. Spirituality comes easily for me, but Christianity is a whole other story. I am a spiritual person and I can't deny there's a God; there has to be something bigger and greater out there than I can't see. And there are those moments when I'm truly and soul-fully open that I can feel God touch my heart and it's the most calm, peaceful, welcoming, loving feeling I've ever experienced. The question of "is there a God?" isn't on the table.

My questions come from a different direction. One of the big ones being: Why do I want to be a Christian when I have to be associated with Christians? Maybe you resonate, maybe you're offended or maybe you've never had to deal with similar experiences. Either way, it's a question I grapple with on a regular basis. It's not that there aren't good Christians or that Christians don't do good things, but from my experience I'm more often embarrassed by the things Christians do and say. And that's become a serious problem for me.

I also sit in a unique position because not only do I work for a Christian organization, but as a music student, I'm around a lot of people who have negative opinions of Christians. At work I am often very frustrated by the things that Christians identify themselves with, the language the use, the arguments they find important and the ways they chose to treat others around them. Then at school my heart sinks as I hear from my classmates how they view the church and its followers, and the reasons that have caused them to come to these beliefs.

I try do to as Christ said -- love people. I accept without agenda... or at least the best my human-self can do, but it can be trying and exhausting and overwhelming. There are so many to love, so many who need to know they're loved by someone, so many who just want to know they're significant. And so many who are overlooked -- especially about all these music and artist types I find myself surrounded by who might not fit into the normal picture of what a good Christian looks like... is there really an ideal of what a Christian should look like? And I do care about the spirituality of those around me and want them to have inner peace, a sense of significance and hope, but it's so hard to offer Christianity to them when I have found Christianity to be so closed-minded.

Which leads me to an even bigger picture question -- What does it mean to be a Christian?

Actually, I have a handful of questions. Alyssa and I got together recently to work through my list of questions and refine them so that I have some direction, but I felt like they all kept coming back to the same thing. What does it mean to be a Christian? I'm very curious to figure out what it will mean for me on the other end of this whole process.

I know there are lots of really smart people who have written lots of really intelligent and compelling books that address some of my questions. And usually a good book solves problems for me, but the questions I have now go beyond reading something in a book. I know a lot about Christianity and even have "answers" to my questions. But at this point, my questions go beyond books and rote answers. I want to hear from the hearts and minds of people I know and respect, and hopefully understand more deeply why they believe Christianity is valuable and worth being a part of.

I know this quest will be difficult and all too personal which is why I'm taking a journalistic approach in hopes of putting aside my own opinions and biases. As I get together with each of these amazing people to share my list of questions, I will take notes and report back to you guys on what I'm discovering. And hopefully along the way, I'll come up with some of my own answers. We'll see.

I know everyone has questions with spirituality and I'd love to hear about questions you might have or spiritual journey's you have been on... feel free to comment or email at shakethedust10@gmail.com.

Thanks for traveling this road along side me.

Jackie - Great Expectations

[Image originally found here]

I read once about the economics of happiness. It turns out that the lower someone's expectations, the happier they are in the end... and that also works in reverse. I found that very interesting, and still do. Especially as I had big expectations for this summer. In fact, this week I was planning to post a special list of extra goals to accomplish this summer. I decided that after 4 really hard semesters, I was going to get back on normal eating and exercise schedules and get my life organized. I decided I wanted to be effective person; one of those people who gets done what they say they will, has time to invest in others... someone whose schedule is actually a reflection of their priorities. I'm not saying none of that will happen, but some situations have changed.

Ah, change. I have a love-hate relationship with change. I enjoy all things new and adventurous and I love taking risks. But I have an exceptional case of cognitive conservatism. [I read about that once too, all it really means is -- a resistance to change.] So when change comes, half of me is so excited I can hardly stand it, and the other side is so adverse I can hardly stand it. And in the beginning, the second side usually wins. Then once my brain has time to adjust, I can jump in with both feet.

That formula works great when the change comes in a relatively cut and dry package. The problem this time is that only half of the changes are happening now and I won't even be sure if rest of the changes will be happening until August. Needless to say, I'm a little disappointed about the timing of everything since I had such high expectations for this summer.

This is vague, I realize, but it's complicated. I promise to fill you in as soon as I can.

In the meantime, I have an immediate need: a roommate. Mine is moving out and I'd really like to stay where I'm at if possible. If you know of anyone interested in living in the Congress Park area, please let me know as soon as possible. I need to figure this out by the end of the week! Yikes!

I promise to have worked on some of my goals by next week!

Until then...

Jackie - Spring Shakedown

[Lilac photo in honor of the lilac bushes in our yard that are covered in slushy snow. 

I tried to shake it off, but couldn't reach all the branches.]

The last few weeks [and including the next few days] have been completely filled with trying to end my semester well. All of this work [coupled with my knack for procrastination] make me question [again] the difference between being busy and being productive. I hope I can think about that more over the summer and try to figure out if it's possible to balance school and work in a way that isn't so draining.

Here's my evaluation of where I'm at and where I should go next.

Goal 1:: Teach: Hopefully I'll have more to say on this next week.

Goal 2:: Write songs: I'm excited to try my hand at this. I've been letting my mind mull over some song ideas the past few months and I'm excited about what might come out. I feel like I might actually be good at this, I just don't quite know where to start the whole process. Those of who you are my songwriter friends, don't be surprised if I start asking for advice the next few weeks. [I should also add with this, that I'm terrified of failing. I'm doing my best to dive into this head-first and give it my 100%, but I'm constantly fighting this little voice that says I'll never be good at it.]

Goal 3:: Reconnect: This goal is going well. In March, I [re]connected with a newer friend. In April, I reconnected with my cousin, Kolten. I'm still looking for someone to reconnect with this month and have a few leads.

Goal 4:: Engage globally: I haven't approached this goal yet and I'm still not positive what this is going to look like.

Goal 5:: Take 2 of 4 trips: I'm excited to say, that I just might be able to take all 4! I've been scouring ticket prices and I'm going to try and make it happen. So far, I've gone to Tennessee to see Joe and Leah. I have plans to go to New York City in November. I'm working on getting my sister to pick some dates for us to go to Portland. And I'm hoping to get down to Dallas this summer -- though I should add that Brett and Sarah were here this week which will help hold me over for a few more months.

Goal 6:: Redefine spirituality: I need to get together with Alyssa to get my questions in order and I need to complete my list of people I intend to ask said questions. I hope to get things together by the end of May.

Goal 7:: Define me: See post from 31 March 10.

Goal 8:: Be frugal: I'm down to $2,392.14 in credit card debt! I still owe a $1,000 medical bill and I'm in the process of paying back my Dad for helping me get my brakes fixed a few months ago, but I'm slowly catching up. When I look at the fact that I've paid off over $2,800 in the last few months, it makes all the working extra and saving pennies seem worth it. [Hopefully Lisa is proud that the budget she helped me create is working.]

Goal 9:: Clean my box: This one makes me laugh. Not only do I have a box of junk, but a pile of papers on my dresser and another stack on the floor. It's going to be a process.

Goal 10:: Post photos: I'm excited to get to this one! Hopefully I'll have at least one album to share in the next few weeks.

That's the recap on where I'm headed this summer. I hope it's a fun ride.

Thanks for reading!

Jackie: High and Dry and Still Moving

[Trying to get Aaron and Dalley to the airport. We couldn't make it there due to flooded highways and roads.

This was the beginning of watching doppler radars for 3 days straight.]

Well, I am now thanks to Denver's altitude and the fact that it's a desert up here.

The trip to Tennessee was amazing. It was time away from all the things in my life that are overwhelming, a chance to be with some of my dearest friends ... oh, and a little bit of adventure. :) It was also a strange reminder to how life simply continues... but I'll get to that later on.

This was an amazing and much needed getaway. Spending the weekend at Joe and Leah's house felt a little like home. It was warm, welcoming and comfortable. There were no formalities, just 5 people together. The pace is slower in Tennessee, the hospitality warmer and the people friendlier.

To me, life stopped and all that existed was this mini-vacation.

We sat around the firepit on Friday night letting the flicker of flames consume our thoughts when the breezes turned to winds and clouds started covering the stars -- signs the "rainy weekend" was about to begin. That's when we got a startling text message - some friends of ours had lost their baby at 38 weeks. And life jumped back to reality. Back home our friends were dealing with an unimaginable tragedy.

But soon we were back in the reality of Nashville. We were all together, enjoying each other ... while the rain picked up and water started pooling, creeks started overflowing, water was coming in basements and the rain just wouldn't stop. I'm sure you've seen pictures on the news or internet, but they don't do justice to the situation. I saw an indescribable amount of water -- places we were at on Friday were complete submerged on Saturday and the waters were still rising on Sunday. [Note: Joe and Leah's house was fine aside from the inch of water in their basement which translated to a whopping 300 gallons of water we took outside in buckets].

Then vacation ended and on Monday afternoon I was back in classes, back in my normal reality. [Though many Nashvillians won't see normal for quite some time, if ever.]

Tuesday morning I was at the funeral of the little one -- grieving a life no one got to enjoy. Another hour outside my world to step inside the grief of my friends. Grief that has been all consuming for them and grief that won't end any time soon. To them, their world has stopped indefinitely.

My little world this semester has felt constricted and all too self-involved. I've found myself apologizing almost constantly -- for not returning messages, for forgetting things, for complaining too much. I wanted to say thank you to all of you who have stepped inside my world in the midst of my recent insanity, looked past my forgetfulness and accepted that this is the current reality of my life.

And of course, thanks to Joe and Leah for hosting me in their home. I love you guys.

PS... My finals and sophomore voice proficiency are Monday and Tuesday!

PPS... I'll post more pics of my trip soon!

[This used to be a park. The Duck River is actually flowing quite nicely behind that first row of trees. By the time I left, the water had risen up to the roof of the picnic structure behind us.]